The Slytherin Guide to Worst Case Scenarios
by Destiny's-Perfection
Summary: In which Harry stumbles upon a book that could very well be the answer to all his prayers, and for the first time in his life he begins to wonder if it really was for the best that he had chosen Gryffindor.


So this is an apology-fic for not updating in ages. And to tell you all that I wont be updating for the next week or two. Exams are abound and I'm absolutely freaked that I might flunk out of my year. On the bright side I'm first in my Literature class and top 10 in my Management =) Hopefully they'll boost up my average with the rest of my courses. Wish me luck!  
This story is the product of what happens when Missy convinces me to take over the country, and Rin tries to plot world domination whilst trying to steal my essays.

Summary: In which Harry stumbles upon a book that could very well be the answer to all his prayers. And for the first time in his life he begins to wonder if it really was for the best that he had chosen Gryffindor.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all affiliated characters/settings etc. are all trademarks of J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury and Warner Bros.

Note: Canon to the end of _Order of the Phoenix_, with one change. Takes place during the end of the 5th book.

* * *

**The Slytherin Guide to Worst Case Scenarios  
**

"Are you sure you don't want help, Luna?" Harry asked.  
She smiled benignly.  
"I'm sure. Perhaps I'll go and eat before finding the rest of my things. I do believe we're having pudding tonight."  
She skipped away and left Harry smiling fondly at her retreating figure. He was starting to really like that girl.  
Harry could have followed after her, gone to dinner and tried to forget about the thoughts that seemed to clog his head, but he couldn't. Instead, he settled for wandering aimlessly around the near empty corridors, only his thoughts for company.  
He was still reeling from the prophecy that Dumbledore had dumped onto his shoulders. What was he meant to do? How was he meant to use the power of love to destroy Voldemort? What was he meant to do, give the Darkest Lord of all time a hug and hope he went into cardiac arrest trying to figure why the hell Harry bloody Potter would be hugging him? Harry snorted. Yeah, cause that would really go over well.. He shook his head, physically trying to clear his thoughts. The best he could do considering Occlumency still seemed to elude him.  
He sighed again and his thoughts drifted to Sirius. Sirius who had almost fallen through the Veil. Sirius who had been pulled back at the last minute by Tonks. Sirius who had yet to awaken from the coma that Madam Pomphrey couldn't explain. He was healthy - well, as healthy as one could be after prolonged exposure to the Hell on Earth that was Azkaban - and he seemed to be in perfectly good condition. It was the last thing that Madam Pomphrey had said that had kept Harry up late into the night, afraid to fall asleep, only to jerk awake at odd hours with a thick sheen of sweat covering his body.  
_"If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was suffering from the same effects as a Dementors Kiss would leave."_  
She'd shaken her head though and said that considering he still had brain function and still seemed capable of at least semi-conscious movement (Sirius had a habit of tossing and turning at erratic times) she could confidently rule that he still had his soul. It was little comfort for Harry though. This was his fault, and it was due to his mistake that Sirius may very well be stuck in a coma for the rest of his miserable life.  
He stopped his musings abruptly when he bumped his shoulder against something hard and in the back of his mind he heard a faint -_thump_-.  
He looked up, thoughts clearing as he tried to find his bearings. Harry took a double-take as he realized that he'd unknowingly wandered into the library. And not just any part of the library. It seemed to be a bookshelf on the eastern side that was hidden from general view by two other well-placed bookshelves that dwarfed this one in size. Harry made to walk back when out of the corner of his eye, he saw a book that lay on the floor. He'd obviously jostled the book from it's location when he'd bumped into the bookshelf. He could just imagine what Hermione would say if he left the book there. He grinned at the thought of one of his best friends and reached down for the book before placing it back into its lodging place in the bookshelf. The grin faded and he froze as a brief flicker of torchlight illuminated the cursive silver script of the title.

_The Slytherin Guide to Worst Case Scenarios._

Harry's eyes flickered briefly to the books that surrounded the one in his hand and noted that there were a group of 5 books that seemed to look as if they belonged to a set. They all had the same black leather covering with green lining and the same silver cursive font. He froze again when he skimmed the spine of the book that seemed to be the first in the series.

_The Slytherin Code of Conduct._

Harry's mind was reeling. He knew that he shouldn't put much faith in these books. A Slytherin's worst case scenario probably involved running out of gel in the morning. However, he still couldn't stop himself from making himself comfortable on the floor and opening the book slowly, reverently even.  
Harry's heart nearly jumped out of his throat as he skimmed through the contents page, eyeing the chapter titles like a drowning man eyeing air. He noted the author's name and, though he wouldn't admit it willingly, was a tad disappointed that it wasn't written by Salazar Slytherin himself. The name was foreign and Harry promised he would look into who this strange author was later.

Des Pər-Féksh'n.

Harry dismissed the author's name momentarily. He couldn't believe a book like this actually existed. His mind whirled as he read through the chapters that struck his interest. Leaving the other chapters to read later. And read them he would.

* * *

The Slytherin Guide to Worst Case Scenarios

The Abridged Version

by  
Des Pər-Féksh'n

_For those who read this book needing the knowledge within these pages, I advise you to go back and read _The Slytherin Code of Conduct _again to ensure that you refrain from committing the same mistakes that has landed you into a 'Worst Case Scenario'. To those who read this and do not currently suffer from a 'Worst Case Scenario', then I applaud you on your forward thinking._

_Before you immerse yourself in the knowledge contained herewith, you should first note the one rule that will govern the rest of your life: Murphy is your one and only God and you will worship at his altar._

_The fact that Murphy was a half-blood will henceforth be disregarded. Following Salazar Slytherin's own teachings, Murphy is as good as God. Remember this and may the knowledge you learn enable your success._

_For more in depth information, please refer to _The Slytherin Guide to Worst Case Scenarios - Unabridged.

* * *

Chapter 1: So You've Managed To Get Yourself Caught

What to do in the event that you are caught at the scene of the crime or in the (unlikely) event that you have (somehow) stumbled upon the scene of a crime that has nothing to do with your presence there whatsoever.

In the event that you were found at the scene:

**i) With no evidence against you…**

Remember, **there is no crime if there is no body**. There is no evidence, so you have committed no crime. Keep your silence and when questioned answer as truthfully (or as close to the truth) as possible. Assure the authorities that you wish to help in any way possible and that you'd like to see the real perpetrator caught and sent to Azkaban at the very least. Tears, sobs and/or a heart breaking life story are optional, use at your own discretion.

**ii) With minimal evidence suggesting you were somehow directly or indirectly involved with the crime…**

As much as it pains me to advise you, play dumb. Remember at all times that you have no idea what happened, how it happened, and how exactly it involves you. You cannot be convicted for ignorance.

**iii) With DNA samples, fingerprints, body fibers, personal objects and/or eye witnesses incriminating you…  
**  
Step One: Remember the 3 D's. **Deny, Deny, Deny**.

Step Two: **Deny some more**. Should Step One fail, then pursue the argument of Polyjuice Potion (in the case of bodily evidence being used against you) or stolen goods (in the case of objects/personal artifacts being used against you). At all times, vocalize your innocence, your contempt of the authorities that have tried to wrongfully condemn you, and your hope that the true perpetrator will be caught.

Step Three: **For every piece of logic there can always be an argument made to refute it**. This is what your lawyer is paid for. This is why no expense should be spared in paying for said lawyer.

Step Four: **When all else fails, fake amnesia.** You cannot be convicted of a crime that you can't remember committing. Amnesia is the best story to go with. Whether temporary or permanent is entirely your own decision and should be made at your discretion. Being bi-polar, having multiple personalities can all be used in your defense also, although they should only be used when amnesia fails.

* * *

Chapter 2: So You've Managed To Get Yourself Arrested

What to do in the event that you are (Merlin Forbid) arrested and are brought up on charges before either an esteemed board of judges or (Salazar Save You) the Wizengamot Council.

Step One: Trials are not actually about whether or not you are innocent. Trials are about playing 'My lawyer's better (and getting paid more) than yours!' No matter how tightfisted you are, **do not spare expense with your lawyer**, it will be the last mistake you make.

Step Two: Having blackmail material on any high-ranking official that can influence your life is a must. If you were a real Slytherin, you'd already know this. Should you be struggling with any plaguing moral issues, I advise you to close this text and refer yourself to _The Hufflepuff Guide to Doing The Right Thing_. **All people have skeletons in their closets **that they wish to remain in said closets. Find these secrets and use them to your advantage.

Step Three: Slytherins only have one 'Best Friend Forever' and that is their blackmail material. Everyone else are simply well frequented acquaintances, including and family. **Your safety and well-being comes before anything else**. Should you need to blackmail friends, acquaintances etc then so be it.

Step Four: Should Step Two fail, remember that **everyone has a price**. Sometimes its money and sometimes its ensuring that their loved ones are safe and not hanging off a 300ft. Cliff ready to plummet to their deaths. Regardless, everyone can be bought. The trick is, finding the right price.

Step Five: **Accidents do happen**, no matter how incredible it may seem. So what if a well-known rival happened to die of a knife through his heart whilst you were within reaching distance. What's to say that he didn't accidentally stab himself after trying to relieve an itch with a custom designed basilisk-venom coated dagger that didn't even belong to him?

Step Six: **Self-defense is not murder**. The oldest and most well-known argument used to date. Use only as a last resort and should only ever be used once in a lifetime.

* * *

Chapter 6: So You've Managed To Get Yourself Into A(nother) Life Threatening Situation

What to do in the event that your life becomes threatened by either your own, or the opposing side.

Step One: **A 'tactical retreat' is not running away**. It is merely advancing in the opposite direction. Know when to cut your losses and run. You can't win a war by dying at every battle.

Step Two: Be aware that in the event that someone should ask you on what side your loyalties lie, you should already know that the answer is **the winning side**. However! Depending on your situation, refrain from this answer. Instead, use your discretion and appeal to your questioners better side.

Step Three: **A true Slytherin uses everything at their disposal**, including their bodies. In the event that your body is not available, money will do.

* * *

Chapter 8: So You've Managed To Set A Dark Lord After You

What to do you when a Dark Lord is hell bent on ending your life.

Step One: There is no such thing as having 'too' many back-up plans. **You can NEVER have enough back-up plans**. Ensure that you have a back-up plan for everything! Remember that Murphy's first law is that everything that can go wrong, will go wrong! Ensure that in the case of anything happening, you are always prepared.

Step Two: **The enemy of my enemy is my enemy**. Whilst opposing said Dark Lord, you may have to join forces with those whom you do not trust. Just because they are helping, does not mean you should trust them, ever! At all times remember that the only person you can trust is yourself.

Step Three: **People are expendable, except for YOU**! Ensuring your survival is first and foremost. Sacrificing other people, killing other people, ensuring that other people die in your place, are all options.

Step Four: **The future is determined by the past**. All Dark Lords are created because of incidents from there past. Find the Dark Lords birth name. Investigate his past, and half the battle is already yours.

Step Five: **History was written by the winners**. How you manage to kill the Dark Lord is entirely up to you. As long as the Dark Lord dies, and you are the eventual winner, no-one can refute your claim that you used Light Magic and didn't once cast any Unforgivable.

* * *

Harry closed the book with a snap and took a deep breath. Despite the fact that the book was written by a Slytherin he couldn't help but be drawn to it. If he'd lower his morals just the slightest, he could really use the help that this book provided. He sighed loudly and coughed when a cloud of dust enveloped his body. His watch beeped and he cursed as he looked at the time. He'd been here for an hour already. Hermione and Ron were going to kill him! He grumbled lightly as he pushed himself up, stretching the kinks out of his back. He hesitated however, as he made to leave. Should he leave the book… Or take it with him? He flipped through the book idly and paused as he studied the table of contents in the front. His face broke out in to a grin as he studied the later chapters.

"Hmm… Some of these could really come in handy."

He looked briefly at the other 5 books and he glanced over the spines. By passing _The Slytherin Code of Conduct_ he examined the remaining three. _The Slytherin Handbook to Dueling (and Winning)_ looked to be the third book in the series. Followed by _The Slytherin Manual to Success_ and finally_ The Slytherin Compendium to Cruses, Counter-Curses and Dark Magic_.

Harry thought briefly of having to face Voldemort in the future, of having to ensure that he'd be successful in everything he did (he had a reputation to uphold after all), and also, of Sirius lying in a coma that no-one could understand. He hesitated briefly right before he grabbed all three books and stashed the four in the voluminous pockets of his school robe. He made to leave by still, he paused. He eyed the last book that he was leaving. _The Slytherin Code of Conduct_. Again he looked at his watch and cursed. Hermione and Ron were going to be bloody pissed as it was! He didn't pause this time, didn't hesitate. He grabbed the last book and ran.

Maybe, just maybe he stood a chance against Voldemort after all.

* * *

So what do you think?  
Leave a Review and Tell Me!!

- Des.


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